Holy Cucumbers
Jerome

 God and I had a chat today, about life and love and everything.
I was on the couch, he was in the recliner.
"I don't know what to do, I'm so sick of nothing."
 "Lay on the couch and tell me about it – I'll be right back, I must get a
pickle...."
"So I have a problem with intimacy...."
<crunch>
"...I think it has to do with my mother."
"Your mother is dead, she's with me now."
 "That's what I mean!  She left me!  Didn't she care about how I felt?!?"
<crunch>
 "So sometimes when I make coffee I make it too strong – I think I have
hidden resentment."
<crunch>
 "I see... hmm... be right back, I need another pickle."
 "I can't seem to get my life straightened out – do you think it was poor
potty training?"
<crunch>
 "They taught me to pee sitting down... mabye that means I'll be an
accountant?"
"I think that's the way it's usually done."
<crunch>
"But mabye I wanted to stand!!"
". . . . . . . . ."
 "Anyway, when I was in Junior High she bought me WHITE shoes! – everyone
else had BLACK!!"
<crunch>
"I've never forgiven her for that." <sobbing>
<crunch>
 "...And once... in the third grade I peed my pants... and... <sniff> a
little girl laughed at me!"
<crunch>
 "And then there was the time I ate all the paste and no one could finish
their picture – then I puked on the hamster and it died."
<crunch>
"I think that really warped me."
<crunch>
"WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING?!?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"ANYTHING!  HELP ME!!"
"I can't."
<crunch>
"Then what are you doing here?!"
<crunch>
"I need another pickle."
"No more pickles!! What kind of God are you?!?"
". . . . . . . . . "
<crunch> "You know who I am."
"I said no more pickles!!!!"
". . . . . . ."
<crunch>
 "I thought you were supposed to help me!  Not steal all my food!!"
<crunch>
"I can't help you – you don't want to be helped."
"WHAT?!?"
"Just one more pickle, be back soon."
 "YOU ARE NO GOD!  YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!"
<crunch>
"I do."
"THEN HELP ME!  MY LIFE'S A MESS!"
"What do you expect me to do?"
<crunch>
"A miracle, a billion dollars – whatever!!"
<crunch>
"No."
"I thought you said you cared?!"
"I do, but I'm not going to help you like that."
<crunch>
"How then?!  What do I do?!"
<writes on a sheet of paper>
"Follow this."
<grabs it>
<crunch>
 1. Stop blaming everyone else.  (John 3:18)
  2. Take two pickles and call me in the morning.